Hi people,
It is a real coincidence that this week’s topic is on interpersonal conflict as just the day before, I had a small unnecessary argument with my mom! So once again I shall talk about my life story AGAIN..
*All—BORING!!
Even so please read and comment ok?
Anyway, I just bought my mom a new phone from M1 a month back and yesterday she was going to make a trip up north to JB to visit my grandmother. The problem was she did not know what number to dial as she was previously a subscriber of Singtel and their IDD number was 018, whereas M1’s IDD is 021.
So the day before, she came to me while I was reading ES2007S notes *winks to Ms Lim* and asked me how to make the calls to Malaysia if she was at the custom.
So here comes the misunderstanding which leads to my small conflict.
What she actually meant was:
How to call a JB registered cell-phone number when she is still at the Singapore’s custom?
However my interpretation was:
How to call a JB registered cell-phone number when she is at the Malaysia’s custom?
My answer to her question was “just dial the cell-phone number lar, so easy also dunno!” (This is because she has auto roaming so she will be on Malaysia’s network by the time she at the Malaysia customs)
She then replied with an agitated tone “Since when do you dial the number directly?! When I was with Singtel I dial 0186! And why are you so rude? If you don’t know the answer don’t act like you know! What I want to know is how to call your aunty’s house when I’m at the custom? ”
Then I got agitated. Does she want fixline or cellphone? In anycase you’ll still dial directly because she will be on the Malaysia’s network by then. Then the argument started.
Throughout the whole process of teaching her how to call that *&^% JB cell number, which by the way last 45 minutes, her question kept changing and she never stop yelling at me. I was always in a state of confusion and frustration. Questions that kept coming to my head was
“What the hell does she not understand?”
“What does she want to know?”
Thank goodness for me, my mom is easily pleased with the help of my father. Once I made the phone call, she smiled and knocked my head with her knuckles.
How would you have handled the situation? Could I have done something different to avoid this conflict? Lastly I believe both my mom and I are in the wrong but who is “more” wrong or do you beg to differ?
Feel free to tell me what you’ll think about this stupid unnecessary conflict. See you’ll in class =)
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteI believe nobody wants to get into a conflict. Misunderstandings usually happens when the question is ambiguous and the listener made a convenient assumption. In this case your mother have asked an ambiguous question that have 2 different interpretation. You on the other hand, didn't realize that the question can have 2 different meaning ( maybe you were too engrossed in reading ES2007S notes that's why didn't think too much about the question ), thus you conveniently assume.
And because no one stop to clarify, it soon lead to a small conflict. It takes two hands to clap, had both you or your mother taken a step back to clarify, this conflict might not have happened.
I also have my share of conflicts with my parents. Maybe I'll share it in my post. Do check it out.
Wei Li
Alex, thank you for working on your post again - with the question clearly phrased.
ReplyDeleteRemember ‘Completeness’, one of the 7Cs we discussed in class today? The conflict you'd shared is a good example illustrating the importance of this particular C.
We talked about the importance of providing sufficient information for the audience to respond, asking the following questions:
(1) what does your audience know,
(2) what does your audience need to know,
(3) what information should you provide your audience with,
and (4) how do you want your audience to respond.
Could the conflict be avoided if you had considered the above C? You bought your mum a phone from M1, and you shared that M1's and Singtel's IDD numbers are different. If you had considered this information (what your audience know), would you have responded differently?
Also worth noting will be the 'barriers to communication'. Being preoccupied with ES2007S notes (*winks back*), you may not have been prepared for the conversation and question.
What do you think?
We can certainly ‘borrow’ our understanding of the 7Cs in written communication and apply it to our daily lives – after all, when we communicate, the audience/reader should be the centre of our concern.
Hi Alex,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the very interesting post! =) I must say that what you have just shared is indeed something that I can relate to. It happens occasionally for me too, especially with my mum. (oops!) Most of the time it happens when I'm in the midst of doing something. She'll ask me a question and I'll prob respond after hearing maybe only half of what she's said. Or at times, I'll be giving monosyllabic answers which may have given her the impression that I'm not interested in what she has to say.
Yep, so what I'm trying to say is it's not so much what we say but how we say it that counts! This can thus minimise potential conflicts. Clarifying what the person meant before giving a response can definitely help prevent this problem.
I guess self-regulation, one of the elements of emotional intelligence can be effectively applied in this case. I guess we should learn to be aware of how they would feel if we were to respond in a certain way and how this would potentially affect the relationship. We should be able to avoid such conflicts next time.
Thanks for sharing! =)
Bryan
Hi Jia en,
ReplyDeleteI believe this personal conflict arises because of the ambiguity question asked by your mum as well as your “rude” reply to your mum. Had the question asked been more clear and specific, you will be able to understand what your mum is trying to convey, thereby solving her doubts and this personal conflict will be avoided.
Misunderstanding often results in interpersonal conflicts. Therefore, it is important to have more clarity in what is being said, so that the listener fully understands what you are trying to express. It is also important not to assume everyone thinks on the same line as you. =)
Choice of words and the tone in your voice are also important factors towards personal conflicts. Your reply to your mum, “just dial the cell-phone number lar, so easy also don’t know!” definitely provoked her. Who won’t? It is the same as you ask me “how to go to the canteen” and I reply “just walk la, so easy also don’t’ know!” People often react to what is being said. As such, we must be careful of our wordings so as not to offend anyone in the process as these will easily lead to misunderstanding and conflicts. =)
Lastly, as to whether you or your mum is more “wrong”, let me share with you my house rules. I think this will help to solve your worries of having misunderstandings or conflicts with your mum again.
Rule number 1) Mum is always right.
Rule number 2) In the case that you think your mum is in the wrong, please refer to rule number 1.
Cheers. =)
Hi Alex!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post! It reminded me of the tons of quarrels that started between my father and I over extremely small things. However, I shall not go into the details. As for my mother, she is someone who is not very familiar with technology and usually relies on my father to help her out. However, in the case that my father isn't around, she'll usually come and find me. I'll usually tease her a tad in a joking manner, but understanding her background (she's from a not-as-tech-savvy-generation), I'll make an attempt to be more patient with her questions.
As for how I would have approached your situation above, I would like to clarify more about the tone you used when you said this, "just dial the cell-phone number lar, so easy also don't know". My father is one person whom I've to speak properly too. For instance, I'm not allowed to tell him, "Don't talk rubbish lar" even though I say this quite often to my friends and everyone in my family knows that I'm joking. However, to him, it is disrespectful. Your mother could have thought that you were disrespectful because you seemed to look down on her (when you said, "so easy also don't know") though I doubt you had that intention. As we've learnt, our intonation is one factor that determines attitude and hence how others will react as well. I guess if it were my parents, I would apologize and try to sound and be more patient with her the next time. After all, I wouldn't want my own children to sound disrespectful to me or others in the future as much as they might not mean to. Right?
Another thing I would have done from the start is to clarify with her what she meant by her question. From your post, it seems that she wasn't very informative (lacking in Completeness and Clarity) as to what she wanted to know. On your side, you were confused by her but answered her according to your interpretation of her question. However, I think one thing you could have done was to voice our the questions that went through your mind so that she can clarify her question as well. I think in families, we tend to assume that the other knows what we're saying. And when the assumption is wrong, conflicts will arise.
I can emphathise with you that communication with parents can sometimes be very challenging. However, as children, we can still try our best to be respectful and patient with them. I think in that way, our parents and ourselves can understand each other better and build better relationships. :)
Hey alex,
ReplyDeleteI think that it is inevitable to have small conflict with family members. It is because when we talk to our family members, we are always more demanding and less patient. It’s like my friends can always tell who I’m talking to on my handphone, if it’s my mum, it will sound rude and impatient, if it is a friend it will sound more polite. And this not only applies to me but my other friends too. I agree I have the same problem as you too, sometimes very impatient when talking to my mum or dad. My attitude are quite different when talking to a friend and family members, so I think the way to solve the problem is to be more patient with our family members. Talk to them more nicely, listen before we start to talk back at them, that will probably reduce the miscommunication and conflict between family members.
Cheers,
guoren
Hello Alex,
ReplyDeleteIsn't it funny how we have a higher tendency to argue with people who are closer to us. You probably would have taken more time and effort to understand the question your mother was asking you if it were posed by a complete stranger, no?
Perhaps it is as Guoren says, that we expect more understanding from the people closer to us, and hence we tend to be less patient with them (:
Your problem could have been resolved quite easily if you had taken your time to clarify things with your mother. Perhaps you could have started off asking her what she meant, instead of assuming that she meant what you thought.
You could have picked up on her initial confusion and taken that as a sign that the both of you were on different wavelengths instead of reacting belligerently which probably got her hurt and upset.
Your mother on the other hand could have tried to think rationally and explain herself instead of lashing out at you for being rude. It can be annoying when they miss the point and start personal attacks.
But I agree with Wei Xi, regardless of the situation,
The mother is always right (:
I hope you have less spats with your mother! Take time to listen to what she's saying next time, and you'll probably be able to avoid a similar scene (:
Best,
Clarence